When an adolescent loses someone important to them, they are often faced with a variety of emotions, cognitive changes, and other fluctuations that disrupt their normal functioning. As a parent, it can be hard to watch, because you want them to be happy, healthy and productive. You may also be experiencing grief, and it might be hard to track your own experience and attend to their needs simultaneously. Just like adults, adolescents can be very distraught by losing someone close – family members, friends, even pets – yet have different needs and understandings of death from adults. This post covers the differences and dives a little deeper into teen grief.
Developmental concerns with teen grief.
Adolescence is a time of great change and transition between childhood and adulthood. There are three subperiods of adolescence: early; middle; and late adolescence. As Cook and Oltjenbruns (1998) point out, the cognitive development that occurs during these 3 different stages changes how your teen thinks about grief. Based on Piaget’s work, their thinking goes from concrete to more abstract and theoretical as the adolescent develops. It is important to keep this in mind when you’re communicating to your teen about loss.
During this time, adolescents start to question their own values and philosophies about death. When they are younger teens, they see death as an event, but as they mature, they view death as a process. Their cognitive development enters what Piaget called the “formal operational stage,” which typically starts at age 11 or 12 and gradually develops into adulthood. This means that they can put themselves in other people’s shoes and think more flexibly than they did as children. They can be more rational, systemic, and they can think about hypothetical situations. Death and loss also force them to face that they too may die someday. However, their egocentrism and denial can also make them feel immortal. Trying to bear in mind the fact that they are trying to make sense of it all.
During these years, their natural egocentrism makes many teens believe that an imaginary audience is constantly observing them. They may be painfully self-conscious about their behavior and how think others perceive them. Therefore, if they cry or express vulnerability around their peers, they may feel bad about this and worry how it impacts their social lives.
Grief from sudden, violent death.
Despite the good health that most adolescents enjoy during this period, many of them suffer loss from sudden, often unnatural causes of death like suicide, homicide, accidents, and drug or alcohol overdoses. In 2020, the leading cause of death in children and adolescents was injuries from firearms, including accidental injuries as well as the side and homicide. Other causes of death included life-threatening illnesses like cancer and HIV/AIDS, although HIV is less common now than in the late 1990s. Males tend to die more often than females in the category of 15 to 24-year-olds, and African-American males perish at a higher rate than Caucasian males.
Witnessing violence can lead to traumatic rage in teens. They might also feel anxiety about being targeted for violence due to identity factors, such as being a person of color or LGBTQ+. Teens may wonder why they survived but their peers did not. Teens may also be exposed to witnessing murders, or be the target of murder. Across all ethnic groups, drug overdoses sharply increased in 2020 and was the 3rd most common cause of death among 15 to 24-year-olds.
Young people may also be concerned about being drafted and having to serve in the military during war times. Some teens might question their own safety after such horrible experiences, while others might use their friends’ tragic decisions as a cautionary tale to avoid unhealthy grief coping.
Signs of concern when your teen is experiencing grief.
Please seek professional help if your teen is going through the following:
· Suicidal ideation;
· Depressed mood;
· Poor sleep or excessive sleep;
· Irritability and restlessness;
· Academic failure or disinterest;
· Worsening relationships with friends and family;
· Risk-taking and acting out behaviors;
· Pretending to be overly strong or mature in the face of loss while denying their pain;
· Substance abuse;
· Frequent angry outbursts or irritability.
You may also observe your teen is increasingly withdrawn from other people. They may complain of loneliness. They may also show low self-esteem, or be preoccupied with death. Additionally, they may complain about feeling out-of-control and overwhelmed.
How you can help your teen cope grieve in a healthy way.
How you talk to your adolescent about grief is important. They are struggling with a very difficult emotional experience; there’s no need to shame them for expressing grief or insisting on their pretending to be “strong” or okay with the loss. You can express that grief is natural and to be expected when they lose someone important. Let them take the lead when talking about it, and don’t insist that they share everything on your timeframe.
Instead, encourage communication about it when they feel ready. Let them know that being strong in the face of grief includes showing your feelings. If you are also struggling with the same loss as your teen, model healthy bereavement behaviors (i.e., not abusing substances or pushing away your emotions, but acknowledging when you are sad or upset about the loss).
Recognize that each grief journey is unique and that there is no right way or wrong way to mourn someone’s death. There are, however, behaviors that are less healthy than others. For example, substance abuse, sexual risk-taking, social withdrawal, or hiding out in sleep rarely help a person resolve their grief productively. You can validate the desire to escape from the intense, painful symptoms of grief while still encouraging healthier behaviors that proactively deal with grief.
Other resources for teens experiencing grief are peer support groups; rituals to commemorate the death and say goodbye to the deceased; sharing stories about the deceased; teaching them healthy stress management skills; and helping them clarify their belief systems about death.
If your adolescent is struggling with loss, grief therapy can be useful in processing this very difficult time. Please contact me if you’d like my help.
Sources:
Cook, A. S. And Oltjenbruns, K. A. (1998). Dying and grieving: life span and family perspectives, 2nd edition. Orlando, FL: Harcourt Brace and Company.
Center for Loss: https://Centerforloss/2023/12/helping-teenagers-cope-grief.
National Institutes of Health: https://USAfacts.org/data-projects/child-death.
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