Do you hold yourself to extremely high standards? If you don’t meet these standards, do you criticize yourself and judge herself harshly? Has this been going on for much of your life? These are characteristics of perfectionism, or striving to be perfect. You may have areas of your life where you notice this more, or it may pervade all areas of your life and create stress and anxiety for you. Perfectionism can also contribute to depression, eating disorders, OCD, and low self-esteem. If you need help managing perfectionism -related anxiety, this post can help you do just that.
Where does perfectionism-related anxiety come from?
If you were lucky, you grew up in a family where your caregivers encouraged you to do your best, but were realistic about the fact that you were growing and learning how to do things. Your parents or caregivers gave you credit for effort and taught you to love yourself regardless of how you performed or made them look to the outside world. Your caregivers weren’t completely indulgent and allowed you to put in minimal effort while expecting praise, but they helped you correct a mistake without shame or judgment. In this scenario, you internalized an approach to trying things that was curious, open, and exploratory.
Unfortunately, not everyone grows up in such an environment. Sometimes, your caregivers are very anxious themselves and need you to be “perfect” as a child or adolescent to make them feel better. They may have held themselves to unrealistically high standards, and without thinking about your developmental capacity, expected the same of you.
Meet your inner critic
Alternately, your parents may have been abusive or had mental illness that led them to punish you harshly if you made even the slightest mistake. As a result, you may have developed a harsh inner critic that continues the punishment into your adult life. Adolescents and children can also demonstrate that they have adapted to a harsh, cold environment by judging themselves harshly when they make mistakes.
Sometimes, the inner critic is so harsh that it makes you anxious about trying anything new or socially anxious because you assume that everyone else is negatively evaluating you. Essentially, you are projecting what your caregivers did onto yourself and onto other people. Anyone who has such an inner critic knows how miserable and stressful it is to live this way. Luckily, you have other options.
What can you do to manage perfectionism and anxiety?
You don’t have to live with this anxiety and listen to the inner critic for the rest of your life. Here are some ideas for managing perfectionism-related anxiety.
Notice when you judge herself harshly and develop the awareness of how your self-talk and perfectionism affect how you feel emotionally and physically. Ever get the cold sweats when you had to give a presentation at work or school? Do you feel nauseated when you must ask for a raise or a date? Chances are, you are feeling anxious because you are anticipating rejection or negative evaluation. The more you become aware of this connection between your thoughts and your feelings, the better you can address it effectively. Journaling and meditation can help strengthen this awareness. I also have a free, downloadable guided meditation to challenge your inner critic, under the menu heading "Special Offer."
Get curious about the things you’re telling yourself. Are you having all or nothing thinking? Do you expect something from yourself that you don’t expect from others? Do you know the difference between ideal and good enough? When you have awareness of your thoughts and how they affect you, you can explore the logic and distorted nature of some of these thoughts. For example, you can ask yourself what is the worst that could happen if you don’t do a perfect job on whatever you’re attempting. Who is going to evaluate you, and what is the effect of that evaluation on your quality of life? What is a reasonable goal, and what would it be like if you accomplished the essence of your task without it being perfect?
Remember a time when you felt like your efforts were enough. Even if you did something that seems small or minor like draw a picture or execute a cool move with your skateboard, see if you can tap into a time when you felt satisfied with your efforts or who you are. This is an internal resource that can help you reclaim your self-esteem from the tyranny of your inner critic.
Give yourself compassion for how unkind and unfair you’ve been to yourself. You have developed this tendency as a coping mechanism to deal with the stress of doing things that are outside your comfort zone for a long time. For a while, perfectionism may have even helped you, but it may have eventually dominated you, making you feel bad about yourself.
Give yourself credit for having survived whatever created the perfectionism, and allow the perfectionism to retire, or at least take a very long vacation. By acknowledging that a lot of people have this problem and suffer from it, you don’t feel as lonely with it. You can consider what you would tell a friend or other loved one if they were struggling with this, and chances are that your language would be much more accepting and kinder.
Do you want help with coping with perfectionism-related anxiety?
If you’re tired of living under the cloud of perfectionism and it’s causing stress for you, please consider getting anxiety counseling to challenge your thinking and expand your love and acceptance of yourself. Please call me today to see how I can help: 661-233-6771.
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