You’ve likely heard the term “red flags” when discussing unhealthy relationships. These warning signs indicate behaviors or attitudes that suggest potential harm, control, or dysfunction. If the person you’re considering a relationship with exhibits these red flags, they may not be a healthy match for you. Perhaps you’ve experienced painful relationships in the past where these red flags were present, causing harm to yourself or others. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for protecting your self-esteem and maintaining your autonomy.
Why Red Flags Can Be Hard to See
Sometimes, red flags aren’t immediately obvious, especially if they resemble behaviors you witnessed or experienced in childhood. If your caregivers or other significant figures in your early life displayed unkind or disrespectful behavior, you may not recognize it as problematic in a romantic relationship. This familiarity can make it difficult to see when something is unhealthy.
This article explores common red flags and how to identify them before they cause significant emotional harm. While these warning signs primarily apply to romantic relationships, they can also appear in friendships and other close connections.
Identifying Common Red Flags
A simple online search will yield an overwhelming number of red flags, often overlapping in different categories. To make them more manageable, we can group them into five key areas:
· Abusiveness
· Lack of accountability
· Selfishness or inconsideration
· Dishonesty
· Addictions
Abusive Behavior: The Biggest Red Flag
Abuse is the most critical red flag to recognize and address. Some abusive behaviors are obvious, such as:
Hitting, kicking, or punching
Throwing objects at you
Blocking your exit from a tense situation
Pinching, shoving, scratching, biting
Pinning you down or restraining you
Threatening you with weapons
Forcing you to harm yourself
Destroying your personal belongings
Rape or coerced sexual activity
If you are currently experiencing any of these, please seek immediate help by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
However, abuse isn’t always physical. Psychological and emotional abuse can be just as damaging. Less obvious abusive behaviors include:
Screaming or name-calling
Isolating you from family and friends
Insulting your loved ones
Manipulating you with threats of suicide or guilt
Denying wrongdoing after hurting you (gaslighting)
Controlling what you wear or who you spend time with
Love bombing: showering you with affection and gifts at first, then demeaning and devaluing you later
Even if physical abuse is absent, these behaviors can cause deep emotional harm and should not be ignored.
Lack of Accountability and Jealousy
In toxic relationships, one partner may struggle with insecurity and demand constant attention. Their boundaries may be poor, leading them to blame you for issues that aren’t your fault. They may:
Require excessive time and attention
Struggle to maintain friendships outside of the relationship
Show extreme jealousy, even accusing you of cheating without cause
Make you feel like you have to “walk on eggshells” to avoid their anger
If you find yourself acting out of character, becoming angry or defensive in response to their behavior, it may be a sign of an unhealthy dynamic.
Selfishness and Inconsistency
Healthy relationships require mutual support and effort. If you notice that your partner:
Is emotionally unavailable or inconsistent in their communication
Frequently cancels plans or breaks commitments
Is more concerned with their public image than actually being there for you
Expects you to put in most of the effort without reciprocation
These behaviors may indicate a lack of emotional investment in the relationship.
Dishonesty and Poor Communication
Honesty is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Dishonesty can be intentional (e.g., lying about fidelity) or unintentional (e.g., withholding important information). Even in consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationships, transparency and communication are essential.
Signs of dishonesty include:
Catching your partner in small lies that escalate over time
Avoiding sharing details about their personal history
Lying by omission (e.g., failing to mention a close friendship with someone they’re attracted to)
Withdrawing emotionally or giving you the silent treatment during conflicts.
Some individuals lack the skills to communicate their needs effectively, leading them to shut down rather than address problems. If disagreements regularly result in days of silence, this can be a sign of poor conflict resolution skills—or a deeper unwillingness to engage in a healthy relationship dynamic.
Addictions and Erratic Behavior
Substance abuse and addictive behaviors (e.g., workaholism, gambling, excessive shopping, or sex addiction) can introduce serious instability into a relationship. A partner struggling with addiction may:
Be emotionally or physically unavailable for periods
Show inconsistent behavior—sometimes affectionate, other times distant
Struggle to take responsibility for their actions
Exhibit erratic spending habits
Lie about their whereabouts or activities
Display extreme insecurity or arrogance
You might find yourself making excuses for their behavior, trying to compensate for their emotional unavailability, or constantly trying to “fix” them. This can be exhausting and damaging to your well-being.
What to Do if You Recognize These Red Flags
If your current relationship exhibits some of these warning signs, it may be time to reflect on whether it is a healthy and supportive partnership. In cases of physical abuse, couples therapy is not recommended, as it can place the victim in greater danger. Instead, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for assistance.
If you are experiencing non-physical relationship struggles and want support in navigating them, therapy may help. Call 661-233-6771 for individual or couples counseling. Prioritizing your well-being is the first step toward cultivating healthy and fulfilling relationships.