Is unhealthy shame negatively impacting your relationships? By unhealthy shame I mean a deep sense that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Shame is different from guilt, which says that we did something wrong and we are remorseful or regretful. Shame, instead, says that we are wrong and that leaves most of us with a sense of hopelessness and helplessness.
Healthy versus Unhealthy Shame
Not all shame is unhealthy; there are ways that shame keeps you safe from creating situations that are potentially embarrassing to you. Sheila Rubin and Bret Lyons have made it their life’s work to study and work with shame, both healthy and unhealthy. Sheila talks about the ways that shame can inhibit self-expression and make people shut down, but she and Dr. Lyons also write about how it can work for you.
Healthy shame can give you humility, teach you about intrapersonal and interpersonal boundaries, and helps us get along with others. It has a developmental purpose as a force that keeps your anger in check, and helps you alter your behavior so that you get along with others. It gets you to follow cultural norms and rules, and raises your awareness of how your actions affect others.
Unhealthy shame is punitive, harsh, and self-critical in a way that makes you feel defective, irredeemable. Abusive caregivers might have treated you in a way that makes you feel that no matter what you do, you’re wrong and bad. You might want to withdraw from others, shut down emotionally, and curl up in a tiny ball and disappear. You might want to escape it by using drugs, alcohol, work, sex, eating, gambling – any number of ways to avoid feeling it. Unfortunately, engaging in self-destructive, compulsive behaviors can further your unhealthy shame and give you one more reason to feel bad about yourself.
How you might act if unhealthy shame impacts your relationships
Some patterns I have observed of how shame effects relationships include:
1) Allowing people to do whatever they want and not asserting one’s own wishes and desires, for fear of conflict and a resigned sense of helplessness. This can make people believe, erroneously, that they cannot assert their own needs. This is an unfortunate conclusion, because they often have not tried to effectively assert themselves for fear of rejection.
2) “Rescue Me” — In a sense of low self-esteem and looking to others to fill the void where one’s sense of self should be, we look to others to affirm us. This can range from “I look fat in this dress, don’t I?” to “Nobody loves me.” The person who cares about such a person feels awkward and often like getting as far away as possible, because what does it say about them that they care about such an unlovable person?
There’s no need to criticize yourself; others can eventually do it for you. You might have used shame in the past to protect yourself from others’ criticism (beat them to the punch). You can be realistic with yourself about your strengths and weaknesses without shaming yourself.
Focus on building yourself up instead, and more people will feel comfortable around you. Essentially what you’re saying when you share ugly thoughts about yourself with others is, “rescue me from my low self-esteem.” People may play along with this at first, but healthy people will recognize that it’s an endless, energy-draining game that never satisfies the self-criticizer.
3) Fear of abandonment -- If people don’t feel secure in themselves, they need to have someone else (usually a lover but could be a friend or family member instead) with them constantly. The moment they feel alone or are physically alone, they are bombarded with negative self-thoughts. Such people often find themselves in exploitive or abusive relationships because they are so desperate to not be alone that they will take whoever comes along. And unfortunately, the people who feel most comfortable being around such folks are often exploitive, manipulative or abusive (not just physically but emotionally, financially, etc.)
4) Fear of rejection — When you are super-sensitive to rejection, you’ll do almost anything to keep it away. Healthy people don’t like to be rejected but they have a core belief in their own worthiness and goodness that makes it bearable, which makes them resilient to others’ rejection.
However, shame-based people can have a harder time with this experience because they lack that inner belief in their own goodness.
Fear of rejection is at the heart of shame
When someone rejects you, is your worst fear is confirmed? Do you believe: I am bad, unworthy, and this person sees right through me! You might fear asserting yourself if others treat you poorly or offend you.
Alternately, unhealthy shame might make you defensive, angry and rigid. It might be very hard to listen to any kind of feedback because you are so busy defending your ego from perceived attacks. You can learn to distinguish what kind of feedback is helpful, and what is just a personal attack. Then, if you receive helpful feedback, you don’t have to dismiss it automatically to protect yourself.
There are other patterns as well, but this is a starting point to consider whether shame is affecting your relationships. What is the role of shame in your life? If you need help sorting it out, call me at 661-233-6771.
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