Remember when your kid was more talkative, forthcoming, and involved in your life? It doesn’t always happen, but once adolescence starts, you might notice your kid wanting less physical affection, not wanting to answer questions (even “how was your day?”), and spending more time in their room and away from the rest of the family. In the absence of information or contact, you might feel uneasy and start to wonder what they’re up to in that room. You hope for the best, but you might also wonder how to build trust between you and your teenager.
Building trust between parents and adolescents can be challenging, partly because they’re individuating (a fancy way of saying they’re becoming their own person, which needs to happen developmentally). Yet there are several effective strategies to foster your relationship.
How to build trust with your teenager? Start with Open Communication
Active Listening: Encourage adolescents to express their thoughts without interrupting or judging. It may be hard, but they will appreciate it if you don’t impose your opinions about their music, artistic expression, or tastes in hobbies. Being curious and letting them tell you about what’s going on without the burden of your judgment helps them feel heard and understood.
Non-Judgmental Approach: Avoid harsh criticism or overreactions, which can push teens to hide things. That’s the last thing you want, right? The more they feel safe with you, the more they are inclined to share with you.
Regular Conversations: Maintain open dialogue on what’s going on in their lives and yours, feelings, and experiences. If you only wait to talk when a crisis or tragedy happens, this open exchange is probably not going to happen. Don’t wait to talk to them only when you’re worried or upset about their behavior. Wouldn’t you want the same courtesy extended to you?
Respecting their Independence Builds Trust
Empower Their Decision-Making: Let your teens make their own choices when appropriate, allowing them to learn responsibility. People may differ in when they think it’s appropriate, because cultural and generational differences exist in families. This might color how you parent, of course. However, if you make all their decisions for them, they won’t develop good judgment and reasoning skills. You can talk to them about what the consequences of different decisions might be, and discussing various scenarios that could arise from those decisions. If you help them see this without a heavy-handed approach, they are likely to (secretly) appreciate your guidance.
Establish Boundaries Together: Involve your teen in setting rules and consequences for poor choices. This helps them feel respected and more likely to follow guidelines. You might explain how your choices result in different outcomes, and how that guides your decisions. This way, your boundaries don’t seem arbitrary and unfair to your kid. At the same time, you have to remember your role to protect them from unsafe situations and behavior that could hurt them down the road.
Model Trustworthy Behavior to Build trust with your Teen
It’s hard to build trust with your adolescent if you’re not modeling trustworthy behavior yourself. If they see you being deceitful, irresponsible, or uncaring towards others, you’ll lose a lot of credibility and not be a good role model for your adolescent.
Consistency: Follow through on promises and be reliable in your actions, in all areas of your life. This is especially true with your teen, but if they see you not “walking the walk,” they will call you out and lose trust in your respectability.
Transparency: Share appropriate parts of your life or feelings to demonstrate openness and honesty. This doesn’t mean that you make your teen your confidant and overshare about your problems with your spouse/partner. Instead, you’ll need to use your discretion on what is appropriate to share with a minor, especially an impressionable kid who still (probably) looks up to you.
Encourage Responsible Behavior
Delegating Responsibility: Give adolescents tasks or responsibilities that show you trust their capabilities. When they make mistakes, help them learn from them rather than shaming or criticizing them harshly. Use it as a teaching moment to become resilient and a better problem-solver.
Acknowledging Effort: Recognize their progress and achievements. When they succeed, let them know how much you admire their persistence and effort. Show them that you acknowledge their follow through as well. Reinforce that trust is earned and appreciated.
Maintain Privacy with your teen.
Talk to them about responsible use of social media, and encourage them to share with you what they’re posting. Make it clear what you find acceptable and unacceptable, and why. This is an area where a lot of trust gets broken between teens and their parents, so finding the right balance can be tricky.
Respect Boundaries: Avoid unnecessary intrusion into their personal lives. Don’t read their journals, or check phones, unless there’s a serious concern.
Make it clear to them when you’ll intervene, and emphasize that it’s for safety. They might not understand yet what’s safe and what isn’t because of their cognitive development, but it’s your job to guide them until they can make sound decisions on their own.
Trust Until Proven Otherwise: Give adolescents the benefit of the doubt, reinforcing that they can make good choices.
Stay Calm During Conflicts to Build Trust with your Teen
The quickest way to lose trust and respect is to model out-of-control, emotionally driven behavior when you’re upset with them. If you’re having trouble managing your stress as a parent, you’re not alone. Get peer or professional support ASAP so you can be a safe, loving, responsible parent.
Avoid Overreaction: When mistakes happen, address the issue calmly and constructively. If you’re not able to do that, take a time out, or better yet, suggest that you and your teen take a time out in separate rooms. Give yourselves ½ hr to an hour to regain composure before you talk again.
Problem-Solving Together: Work collaboratively to resolve conflicts, rather than imposing decisions. This reinforces your respect for their developing responsibility and problem-solving skills.
Invest in the Relationship by Building Quality Time
Shared Activities: Spend time together in enjoyable activities. Get involved in family activities that are mutually fun and stimulating. This strengthens your bond without the pressure of discussing serious topics. Sometimes, in the process of walking or playing ball together, they might talk about something you’d never expect!
Celebrate Milestones: Recognize achievements, big or small, as a way of showing that you value them. It also shows that you see them emerging into adulthood, which is important to build their confidence.
Fostering trust with adolescents requires patience, mutual respect, and open lines of communication. You build it over time by being careful and thoughtful about how you treat them in everyday life. Care is important, because trust can be fragile if mishandled. Therefore, consistency and empathy are key.
If you’d like to improve your relationship with your adolescent, you might benefit from therapy for teens or family therapy. I can provide professional guidance, please call 661-233-6771.
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