In the face of tragedy, loss and trauma, it can be very hard to see the silver lining or feel gratitude for much of anything. You have lost so much, and it may seem that you will keep feeling the pain of loss forever. Sometimes you experience extra sadness around the holidays because you are reminded of the people who are no longer have on this planet, people who were close to you. You might celebrate the holidays with family and without one of your family members present, the holiday reminds you of loneliness and heartbreak.
Around this time of year, I remember my father’s passing, and how young he was to lose his life and vitality. At the same time, I am grateful for the relatives who are still alive, who persist in their struggles and with whom I can still experience closeness and joy.
It’s hard feel gratitude when you've been mistreated
Alternatively, if you grew up in abusive or dysfunctional home, the holidays have negative memories. It is hard to grieve for someone who treated you poorly, and yet they might have been the only mother/father/caregiver you knew. When the source of love and caretaking is also the source of terror and pain, it is difficult to know how to connect with them, even in death. That confusion and pain can affect your other relationships, and make trust and closeness a frightening prospect.
This is referred to as disorganized attachment style in children, or fearful avoidant attachmnent style in adults. If your loved ones were addicted to drugs or alcohol or incarcerated, you might also have difficulty with attachment to them and to others. These situations are referred to as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs for short), which have been found in research studies to influence physical health, mental health, relationships, and decisions about self-care. They have a lasting impact if you don't work through them.
The holidays can bring up a different kind of pain from yearning for the closeness you might have felt towards healthier family members. You may be reminded of violence in your house, or seeing people you love be hurt or neglected. The holidays might bring up memories of being forced into situations where you felt out of control. How do you find peace when the holidays remind you of dysfunction and disconnection?
How to feel gratitude for surviving tragedy
As trite as it may sound, you can be grateful for the fact that you have survived your childhood or adolescence. You can be grateful for the wisdom that you have gained from surviving those situations, and the resources that you discovered in learning how to adapt to trauma and loss.
Some people develop post traumatic growth because of what they’ve gone through. It can help ease the pain to know that you have made it through probably the worst part of your life, and that whatever comes afterward can be mastered more easily with skills that you’ve learned from past tragedies.
Self-compassion for your younger self
You can feel sympathy for the younger versions of ourselves who had to endure that pain, while still feeling relief that you are safer now. You have control over your life, more resources (both physically and emotionally). If someone mistreats you, you can walk away from the situation. If you can’t, you can figure out a way to do so in the future. You have more resources, physically and psychologically, to escape dysfunctional relationships and situations. You now know that you don’t deserve to be mistreated or lonely. You can make different choices that lead to better outcomes for you and those you love.
All these empowerments are gifts that may not seem obvious on the surface. Yet bearing them in mind when you think about your tragedies can help put the pain of loss and trauma in perspective. If you don’t remember that life is dynamic and flowing, and that you are not sad or scared or angry forever, you risk remaining stuck and suffering longer than you need to.
Gratitude in action
I try to make it a point to find at least five things for which I am grateful each day, throughout the year, so that Thanksgiving is every day. Does it work to pull me out of a bad mood 100% of the time? I wish I could say yes, but realistically it’s more like 80-90%. Nonetheless, if I don’t do my gratitude practice, I feel despondent and cynical, in which I can’t afford to dwell.
Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn says, “you only have moments to live.” This means that you only have the present moment to live in, and you have a choice as to whether to make that moment enjoyable, pleasant, and wholesome, or negative and depressing. Feeling gratitude and keeping that in the forefront of your mind is one way to be in a more pleasant moment.
If you’d like to work through your trauma and grief so you can feel more gratitude, please contact me here.
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