Every couple has arguments, according to research by John and Julie Gottman, Seattle-based researchers on marital therapy. However, not all couples come away from the argument feeling that it was resolved or that they were unharmed emotionally. Conflicts between romantic partners have a way of hurting each other that is unlike most other relationships. Like family members, romantic partners know how to push each other’s buttons and bump against ancient wounds from childhood or past relationships. They know how to make you insecure and angry with just a few words, sometimes. However, the good news is that there are ways to make arguments or disagreements was hurtful and more productive. This post will cover some of the ways you can disagree with your partner without hurting each other.
Get centered before you act or talk to your partner in couple disagreements.
Most of the regrettable things that you will your partner will ever say to each other happen when your emotions are heated. When you’re hurt, it’s natural to want to lash back or plead with your partner to stop hurting you. Assuming that your partner is not emotionally or physically abusive, you can reasonably think that their intention is not to hurt you. You don’t know yet what the intention is, but you know that you feel upset. This is the time to pause before acting or speaking.
It’s a good idea to take a step back when you’re both upset and calm yourself down. This can be done with breathing slowly and deeply from the abdomen, and perhaps reminding yourself that we all make mistakes and we all hurt people we care about unintentionally sometimes. You can also remind yourself that their emotions don’t have to be yours. Just because the other person is upset, doesn’t mean you have to join them. You can decline the invitation to get upset with them, and instead find a calm center within yourself. If it will take a while for you to find the calm center, you can ask for a timeout, lasting anywhere from ½ hour-a few hours. However, let the person know that you will come back to them and try to resolve it more peacefully.
If your partner asks for a timeout, please don’t follow them around, badgering them to resolve it right now. This breaks down the fabric of your relationship and disrespects their boundaries. You may not trust that they will come back and talk to you later, but you’ll never know if you pester them while they are heated. When you’re both that upset, not much good can come of your discussion. Your rational thinking capabilities are not operating well and anything you say to each other will be fueled by pure emotion. You can’t take those statements back or pretend you didn’t say them. It’s better to wait until you can be kind to each other and fair.
Get curious about the other person’s point of view.
When you can tell that your partner is upset with you, you might automatically become defensive or angry. You might think, “what right do you have to feel angry with me? I haven’t done anything! You’re always picking on me.” No one likes to feel criticized or rejected, and depending on your attachment style, you might retreat into silence and ignoring your partner, or start arguing right away.
This is where it helps to approach your partner when you are calmer. Once you found your calm center within, you can ask them, “I care that you’re upset, but I don’t understand why it upset you. Can you please help me understand what has made you feel this way?”
Then, let them explain without interruption. This is hard to do, because the hurt inner child or inner teenager may be wanting to defend you and say, “no, you can’t say this about me. It’s not true!” However, if you can listen for their hurt and not take it personally, you have a much better chance of responding in a productive way.
Use a soft start up to the conversation.
There are ways to start couple disagreements that are more likely to elicit fear or defensiveness. For example, using the tone of voice that suggests, “you’re in trouble now, buddy!” Is more likely to make someone respond defensively than expressing positive emotions like appreciation for your partner or the relationship. This sets the stage for more collaborative conversation. The Gottmans came up with a method of discussing disagreements called the soft start up.
In the beginning, using kindness and positive statements about the partner or relationship helps your partner be more open to what you have to say. It also creates a culture of pleasantness in the relationship that both of you can enjoy. It is also important to use “I feel” statements. An example would be, “I feel anxious when you drive so close to other cars. Could you please leave more distance?”
This is not the place and time to express negative opinions about the person or assassinate their character. A lot of people mistakenly use the “I feel” opening to say hurtful things like, “I feel that you are mentally ill” or “I feel that you’re stupid.” These are thoughts and opinions, not feelings, and insulting another person is never helpful and always aggressive. You lose the person’s trust when you do this, and sometimes it’s hard, if not impossible, to regain that trust.
Be specific when you are expressing yourself.
Using statements like, “you always…” Or “you never…” Are not only inaccurate, they invite arguments and defensiveness. Very rarely do people always or never do anything. We are variable and capable of change. When you overgeneralize, you are also expressing your helplessness and lack of faith in things being better between you. If you can use specific examples and remember that this is your version of the facts, and not the only version, you show more self-respect and humility. You also show more respect for your partner.
Brené Brown, a researcher on shame and vulnerability, uses this phrase in couple disagreements with her spouse: “the story am telling myself about this is…” This way, she can avoid projecting her assumptions and premature conclusions onto her partner. It’s important to remember that, while it may seem like your partner always or never does something, that is your interpretation of their actions. They have a different perception and may interpret their actions differently. This is why it’s important to be curious rather than jump to conclusions.
It should go without saying that insults, cursing at each other, and throwing things is an unacceptable way to express yourself during disagreements. Before you talk, it’s best to get centered and calm so you don’t resort to these immature, harmful tactics.
If you’re looking for a way to have a more harmonious relationship with your partner, please contact me to discuss whether couples therapy would be right for you.
Comments