Strategies for Overcoming Negative Self-Talk

How high can you go when you overcome negative self-talk?

Does negative self-talk fill you with dread and fear about trying new things? Would you like to learn how to change the way you relate to yourself and speak to yourself? Unfortunately, you can’t just stop negative self-talk without replacing it with something else.

You have more control over it than you think, but it’s a discipline that needs developing and reinforcing. Once you learn how to examine what you tell yourself, it’s easier and more fluid to challenge negative self-talk. Becoming aware of it is the first step; actively managing these negative statements leads to a reduction in the negative self-talk. Like any skill, the more you work with the practice, the easier it becomes.

Steps for reducing negative self-talk

Remember: If you wouldn’t talk to a dear friend or family member that way, you have NO BUSINESS talking to yourself that way.

Step One: Pay attention to what you say about yourself. (Be an excellent observer)

1.       What triggers your negative self-talk? When are you most vulnerable?

2.       How do you feel when you say these things to yourself?

·         Body posture/language

·         Physical sensations

·         Emotions

·         Look in mirror – notice changes based on language

·         Don’t judge the feelings or thoughts yet – just watch and learn

3.       Do other people use those same words to criticize you? Pay attention to this as well.

·         What is it like to have someone observe this about you?

·         What do you say to yourself about this observation?

·         Do you believe it to be true? Is it something you’ve observed about yourself?

·         Do you feel defensive? Be patient, making room to decide whether to let it in deeper.

Step Two: Explore the your negative self-talk (use your self-reflection muscles)

1.       Where did this statement come from?

·         Is it your idea or someone else’s? If it’s not yours, whose is it?

·         Is that person trustworthy and safe?

·         What could that person’s mental state/motive be for saying that about you?

·         Where and when did you hear it? (context)

2.       How did it feel to hear it then? How does it feel to say it to yourself now? Do you notice any differences?

3.       Was it accurate then? Is it accurate now? Have you changed, grown, or improved since someone said that about you?

·         What evidence supports this statement?

·         What evidence contradicts it?

·         What is a more accurate and realistic statement that describes you in this situation?

·         How does it feel to say that new realistic statement to yourself?

Step Three: Separate the wheat from the chaff (aka, discernment in action)

1.       Is there anything useful in the negative self-statement?

2.       Can you learn or grow from that realistic part of the statement?

3.       What about this statement is harmful or useless? (usually judgmental, insulting statements that just serve to shame a person are automatically useless and should be discarded immediately.)

4.       Convert the criticism into a personal challenge if you so choose. If you’ve been accused of being sloppy, for instance, and you can see that your performance or production was not up to your usual standards, seize the opportunity to make a commitment: I will put more effort into handling this situation in the future or, if I don’t have the energy to do my best and I can afford to, I’ll decline being involved.

Step Four: Play with your Self Talk (Get creative)

The elements of this can be thought of as RRARE (reframe, reclaim, accept, rejoice and embrace). You can think of yourself as a RRARE, unique gem of a person.

·         Reframe – see the upside of the things you used to criticize and find the silver lining.

·         Reclaim – Some of the things that other people have teased or criticized you for make you quirky, interesting, and unique. Not everyone is pleased by the same things in other people. Just as you don’t like or enjoy every person you meet (unless you’re really easy to please), so too might others be turned off by certain aspects of your personality. That doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with it; it’s just not to their taste!

·         Accept – We all know that not everyone is perfect. There are some things that we’re not thrilled about being or having, but because it’s part of ourselves, we need to learn to accept it. Loving and accepting both the good and bad in ourselves and the world makes it so much more enjoyable, interesting and meaningful to be alive.

·         Rejoice! There is so much to you that doesn’t meet the eye. You are a beautiful mystery that unfolds daily, with complexity, depth, and hidden layers that have yet to be discovered. The more you learn about yourself, the more you learn to love and accept yourself. There is no feeling like being in love, not in a grandiose sense but in a true, deep, abiding appreciation of yourself.

·         Embrace -- What do you want to hear? What do you wish people noticed and appreciated about you? Guess what? You can appreciate that in yourself. You can compliment yourself within the peaceful confines of your mind.

Do you need help working with your negative self-talk?

If you had very critical or negative caregivers, you might have learned to think of yourself this way. Your negative self-talk may seem very true to you, and hard to confront because of that. EMDR therapy and clinical hypnosis can help remove the sources of your negative self-talk. I can help you change the way you speak to yourself; please call 661-233-6771.