When I speak with clients, especially those who experienced childhood abuse or neglect, I often notice confusion between aggression and assertiveness. This is understandable since examples of assertiveness may have been absent in their childhoods. Examples of assertiveness are also are rare in public life these days, where aggression tends to dominate. Additionally, when we don't get what we need, unhealed attachment wounds can get activated and bring out our worst behavior. In this post, I’ll clarify the difference between the two. I hope it helps.
What Is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express your needs and beliefs, especially when your boundaries are at risk of being crossed. Many clients I work with grew up in environments where their needs were ignored, leading them to adapt in two ways: either acquiescing to others to avoid conflict or overstepping others’ boundaries to ensure they’re heard. Both responses stem from victimization and disempowerment, as they rely on past experiences rather than evaluating present circumstances.
When you clearly, respectfully state your needs, you are being assertive. This should be done both verbally and nonverbally. For example, if a bank teller gives you the wrong amount of cash, you could say, "Excuse me, I believe there’s an error. I asked for $X in cash back. Could you please double-check and provide the correct amount?" An aggressive person might resort to insults or intimidation, which is unnecessary and counterproductive.
Tips for Assertive Communication
When facing conflict or opposing opinions, your instinct might be to suppress your feelings, lash out rudely, or even resort to aggression. Assertive communication requires a thoughtful approach:
Pause and reflect: Consider your emotions, needs, and the context. The way you address your boss differs from how you address a friend or family member.
Avoid assumptions: You likely don’t know the other person’s full intentions. Adopt a curious mindset instead of jumping to conclusions.
Speak clearly and directly: Use an audible, firm tone and remove hesitation from your requests. For example, if interrupted, say, "Excuse me, I wasn’t finished. Please let me complete my thought."
Focus on positive desires: Instead of stating what you don’t want, express what you do want. For instance, "I’d appreciate it if you could do X" or "Please avoid making critical comments about me during meetings."
Respect your and others' boundaries: If you can’t meet a request, offer a compromise that respects both parties’ needs without violating your values.
Assertive communication creates more win-win situations and allows people to feel good about themselves.
Benefits of Assertiveness
Assertiveness empowers you to get your needs met while boosting self-confidence and reducing stress. You feel more in control and avoid regrets over unsaid thoughts. Demonstrating self-worth builds your confidence and encourages others to respect you.
While some may initially resist your newfound assertiveness, especially if they’re used to you being passive, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong. Just ensure your requests are respectful and avoid crossing their boundaries. It's a skill like any other that needs practice and patience as you develop it. Over time, assertiveness helps foster mutually respectful relationships and attracts people who value healthy communication.
What Is Aggressiveness?
Aggressiveness involves verbal or physical behavior that disregards others’ needs and boundaries. Verbal aggression includes insults, belittling, and disrespect. While aggression may seem effective in achieving short-term goals, it damages relationships and leads to resentment, distrust, and isolation.
For example, hitting a child might result in obedience, but it destroys respect and fosters fear. Aggression creates a precarious and lonely existence, as it alienates others and diminishes opportunities for love and connection—the core of human fulfillment.
Key Differences: Assertiveness vs. Aggressiveness
Assertiveness respects both your needs and others’, creating win-win outcomes.
Aggressiveness relies on a win-lose mentality, fostering conflict and instability.
Assertiveness is rooted in mutual respect, allowing you to meet your needs without diminishing others. Aggressiveness, by contrast, stems from scarcity and dominance, leaving a trail of enemies, stress, and missed opportunities for collaboration.
By practicing assertiveness, you can build healthier relationships, reduce stress, and create more stability and success in your personal and professional life. When you remove the traumatic stress from past experiences through EMDR therapy, you stand a much better chance of being assertive consistently. For help in this area, please call me at 661-233-6771 or write to me for an appointment.
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