You might have heard the term “trauma bond” in the popular press or social media and wondered what it meant, or if it applied to your relationship. Here I will discuss what a trauma bond is and how to recognize possible signs of a trauma bond in your relationship. The six signs are justifying abuse; concealing the abuse; isolation from support; difficulty leaving the relationship; feeling withdrawal from the relationship; and resistance or defensiveness about receiving help.
What is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is an unhealthy attachment between people, usually with unequal power, involving control, manipulation, or coercion. It often forms when severe emotional upheaval occurs.
While trauma bonds usually form in intimate relationships, they can also happen in a variety of situations, usually where the power difference and control aspects are present. Friendships can have trauma bonds. Hostage situations, where someone is held against their will, can create trauma bonds. This was illustrated famously by Patty Hearst when she was kidnapped by the SLA in the 1970s. Abused children may form a trauma bond with their abusive caregivers, or with abusers outside the family. Trauma bonds can even happen with work colleagues. Sometimes, people who have survived the same traumatic event become traumatically bonded.
What does a trauma bond look like?
Let’s say you’re in a relationship with another person that feels very intense and close. Your body releases a hormone called oxytocin, aka the “love hormone” that is often released during sex, breast feeding, and other bonding experiences. This brings you closer together.
At first, the person seems too good to be true, showering you with compliments, gifts, tries to win you over. This is commonly referred to as “love bombing.” They do things to increase your dependency on them and trust in them, so when their behavior becomes abusive, you feel like you don’t have anywhere else to turn.
Such an idealized, passionate bond is unsustainable. After a while you feel devalued and demeaned. It might start with criticism or accusations of infidelity (if you’re monogamous), even when the evidence is flimsy or nonexistent.
They can’t admit that they’re hurting your feelings and make you believe you’re “crazy” for accusing them of harm (referred to as “gaslighting”). This combination undermines your confidence and sense of reality. When you argue, you wind up being wrong. Even more confusing is when they promise to change but never do.
In time, the same person who claims to love you also hurts, manipulates, and/or exploits you. It’s very confusing because you have this deep attachment, yet you feel trapped, scared to leave, and confused. The intense emotions that come up when you fight or receive abuse get confused with love. However, nothing about this resembles a healthy love relationship.
The abuser might tell you that no one else could love you like they do, implying that you’d better not leave or you’ll be lonely forever. They often isolate you from friends and family, anyone who could give you a reality check. Your dependency on them grows. You feel addicted to the relationship, afraid to leave. After a while you give up trying to defend yourself, because it just creates conflict and pain.
Signs of a Trauma Bond
You may not like what the person does to you and wish they didn’t, but you find yourself justifying their abusive behavior. Maybe you blame yourself. You make excuses for their abusive behavior as well. You have to resolve the cognitive dissonance of the same person saying they love you and hurting you.
As mentioned above, other people who could help you become inaccessible over time. You may push them away because they seem so negative about your relationship, or your partner may coerce you into isolation by creating emotional pain when you spend time with anyone but him/her/them.
When you do see other people, you might cover up for their strange, controlling behavior by making excuses, or even lying about them. You might also not want to get them into trouble, so when their behavior crosses legal lines, you might lie to the police or other authorities for them.
Your friends and family, or even coworkers might point things out about the partner that make you uncomfortable, and raise red flags about the partner’s behaviors. Your partner might feel threatened by others’ influence, and may depend on you for all their socialization. Your world gets smaller, which increases the trauma bond.
The more isolated you become, the less you can imagine your life without them. You can’t imagine leaving, even though others might have suggested (or even begged) you to do so. You’re so dependent on each other for everything, that even when you do break up or try leaving, you experience something akin to a drug withdrawal. When people suggest you leave, you get defensive and lose sight of the fact that they’re trying to help. Leaving feels like a threat to your emotional survival at this point.
The aftermath of a trauma bond
The saddest thing of all in this scenario is how you lose your sense of identity. It’s like a computer virus that corrupts the healthy files that make the computer run well. It confuses your relationship with yourself and others, your ability to trust and feel confident. You have to work through the guilt, shame, and fear the abuser used against you.
It takes time to recognize a trauma bond. Like an addiction, there are times when it feels exciting, euphoric, and allows you to escape reality. It may resemble a relationship you had with previous lovers or with abusive parents. It can be done, though.
Is there a way to restore a trauma bond relationship? I believe that unless the abusive partner undergoes intensive therapy, takes full accountability, and develops empathy for others, you’ll always wonder if you can trust them again. I usually see people who try to rebuild themselves after a trauma bond, and recommend EMDR therapy so that your next relationship can be healthier.
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