How to Manage Couple Disagreements Without Hurting Each Other
Couple disagreements are common, but don't have to lead to resentment. Learn how to disagree better.
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Serving California Residents with HIPAA-secure Video Therapy
Mailing address: 3123 W. Ave. L 8, Lancaster, CA 93536
Phone: 661-233-6771
Couples Therapy
Inclusive Emotionally Focused Therapy for All Kinds of Relationships
Is this you?
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You keep having the same argument or issue in your relationship.
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One of you chases while the other distances.
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You withdraw when triggered, leaving your partner confused.
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You panic when your partner goes silent, fearing they might leave.
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Past memories from childhood or previous relationships surface during conflicts.
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You say or do things you regret, causing your partner to pull away.
When you don't have good examples of how to be in a healthy relationship, it's harder to figure out what you're supposed to do once the magical, fun part of infatuation wears off. You might start to notice things about the other person that bug you, or you discover that they really aren't who you thought they would be.
Maybe you hoped that the red flags you noticed (but ignored) in the early part of the relationship would change, or that you could help this person by loving them into the person you believed they could be. When that didn't work, you got frustrated with them and decided they weren't good for you, or you believed they could change but just wouldn't because they're stubborn or mean. Resentment started to build, and you grew distant. Arguments increased, or maybe you buried the problems so you could get along better. But the feelings were still there... what to do with those pesky feelings?
What threatens your relationship?
Have you experienced a significant loss and are struggling to connect through your grief? Some losses, like the death of a child or family member, hit relationships especially hard. Trauma and loss can lead to withdrawal or a need for specific support, but you may not know what you need from your partner or how to ask for it. If one or both of you suffers from complex PTSD (C-PTSD) and unresolved family issues, maintaining your relationship can feel exhausting.
If you're part of the LGBTQ+, kink, or polyamorous communities, the lack of typical societal support can add extra strain. This stress can impact not just you but also your children, family, friends, and even pets. We're wired to connect, so we inevitably share each other's joy and pain.
You might be surprised to learn that most romantic partners fight, but the way they fight makes a huge difference in the quality of the relationship. John and Julie Gottman have been researching relationships for a long time and they found there are certain ways that lead to better or worse outcomes, depending on how you approach each other. Sue Johnson, who invented Emotionally Focused Therapy, also found that understanding your emotional responses and learning about where your partner is coming from, is important to handling conflict well. We all have "raw spots," but we don't have to let them hijack our conversations with our partners.
How I Can Help Your Relationship
There was a time when your relationship felt better, or at least good enough for you to want to be together. Do you remember what made you choose your partner? You may have forgotten what drew you to your partner, but you can rediscover it. Even if you've lost hope in getting along, that's okay—we can work through it together. The benefits of getting outside help are tremendous when you consider the costs of loneliness, isolation, and even potential legal issues like divorce and custody battles.
In our sessions, I’ll observe how you interact and gently guide you to understand both your own emotions and those of your partner. I’ll help you recognize when you’re trapped in negative interactive cycles and departing from loving, respectful communication. We'll help you and your partner get back on track with respectful, empathetic communication. The more you identify and repair your negative patterns, the better you’ll understand each other. When you're able to see the situation from your partner's perspective as well as you're own, you have more creative, flexible ways to handle conflicts. This leads to more compassionate interactions and better choices in how you communicate, creating a sustainable and enjoyable relationship.
You deserve to feel that connection and harmony with your partner again. If you're ready, click the button below.
Read more about how couples therapy can help your relationship!
Where to Find Me
Where to Find Me
Lisa S. Larsen, Psy.D.
(she/her/hers)
Providing online/virtual psychotherapy only in the state of California
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